


Thinking of You, Wherever You Are (Want and Resent)

by ParallelSkies



Series: Even If It's a Different Space [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 24 hours really isn't enough help, Angst, Crossposted on AFF, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, I swear I chose good ones and didn't make puns this time, I'm trash because I ignored school and work and my internship to write this, M/M, Masturbation, Mild Language, Pining, Post-Divorce, Sexual Frustration, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, YuTae in denial, per usual, some song references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-23 19:00:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11995998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParallelSkies/pseuds/ParallelSkies
Summary: The door of longing opens, and the memories of you are coming after me.





	1. I Feel You (Taeyong)

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself SO much for writing this right now. I'm drowning in college assignments on top of work and internship obligations, but I couldn't help myself because I miss writing. TT I know it's a bit confusing since I'm writing the parts out of order, but bear with me, please?  
> I really want to finish up a lot of writing projects this year. I want to finish the the last 2-3 installments of this series and get back on track with It's You, but we'll have to see. Junior year of college feels like the bane of my existence... /dead/

Taeyong dreams in snapshots. 

 

_He's 18 years old in one scene; his hair is dyed a striking cherry blossom pink due to losing some stupid bet, he's dressed in faded thrift shop clothes, and he's lying under a tree with one earbud in, notes spread out neatly before him._

_A warm, comforting presence lies beside him. The Korean boy dares not look over, though. It wouldn't do to get distracted by his friend's twinkly eyes or easy smile, not when he has a business etiquette exam in half an hour and a long shift at the market right after that. Still, he's thankful that the younger smiles at him and clings to him the way he does._

_He's thankful that the other boy is with him._

_**Always.** _

_"Hyung, can you help me with my Korean assignment, please?" At the sound of his companion's accented, pouty voice, Taeyong finds himself smiling serenely._

_**(The alluring body beneath his quivers as it is gently penetrated for the first time, and Taeyong realizes what it means to truly be whole and loved...)** _

 

_In another scene, he's 22 years old and sweating bullets as the passenger car of the Ferris wheel rises higher towards the night sky. Somehow over the thunderous noise of his wildly beating heart, the Korean boy can make out the distant sounds of happy amusement park goers and festive music._

_"Are you **sure** you're alright? You didn't have to ride with me, you know. I would've understood." Taeyong sucks his teeth and counts to ten to calm himself down a little before facing his Japanese boyfriend._

_**"I wanted to,"** he replies sincerely, and he feels his heart swell as he watches the other boy adjust his scarf to hide his flushed, chubby cheeks. Even after three years together, he's still so endearingly shy when it comes to feelings. "Plus there's something I want to prove to you."_

_"Oh really?" his black-haired companion snorts, playfully glaring down at the space between their seats. "And what is **that** , exactly?"_

_Taeyong bites his lip. It's now or never, and with that thought in mind, his trembling hand pulls a small velvet box out of his coat pocket. "I can't imagine my life without you," he starts nervously as he moves to kneel in the cramped space between them. He knows his Japanese is poor, and the way his boyfriend's face quickly takes on an unreadable, shell-shocked expression isn't helping his confidence much, either. "Will you make me miso soup every day?" he proposes meaningfully, voice cracking at the end._

_It's silent for a long moment, and Taeyong squeezes his eyes shut; he feels utterly **mortified** , especially when he hears the Japanese boy begin to giggle. _

_"Well, I'm not very good at making miso soup, but if you'll have me..." the younger trails off coyly, "then... of course it's a **yes** , Taeyong. I love you, too, you sappy idiot."_

_Taeyong feels like the luckiest man alive as he kisses the love of his life passionately and slips a modest ring on his finger. "I want forever with you," he whispers sweetly against his new fiancé's luscious lips._

_**(Despite the other boy's breathy, urgent protests, Taeyong refuses to be swayed as he greedily eats at the precious spot between his lover's trapped legs...)** _

 

_At 26 years old, Taeyong feels like a ghost, because he's powerless to do anything but sullenly examine his ex-husband from the doorway._

_The Japanese model is probably back to just pack up the rest of his things and then walk out of Taeyong's life for good. A packed travel bag or two is already resting by his feet, Taeyong notes despondently._

_It's a shame that the other man has to part from him once more when looking so **ethereal** , though; the moonlight peeking in from the window illuminates his elegant silhouette, and the Korean businessman feels compelled to gaze at his body forever._

_The younger man looks like an **angel**. However, he's more of a **demon** , given the way he's been haunting Taeyong's dreams as of late._

_"Hey," the Korean businessman finally utters tersely, dropping his own luggage to emphasize his arrival._

_The younger jolts and almost drops the photo album he'd been admiring in surprise. He releases a strained, guilty chuckle and turns to face the elder without actually looking him straight in the eye. "I thought you were supposed to be in Jeju still... I didn't mean to intrude, sorry. I justー"_

_"This roomー this house was once yours, too. You're not intruding. I was expecting you to come by eventually, anyway. It's not easy to pack up eight years' worth of stuff in just a couple of trips... you end up **missing** some things," Taeyong interrupts with a forced smile. He enters the room without sparing its other occupant another glance and walks over to the closet. "Did you get all of your clothes? Some of the shirts on my side of the closet are actually yours, I thinkー"_

_"Taeyong?" Said man stops his rummaging for a second to listen. "Why are you not in Jeju right now? You said you were going to be away for a few months..."_

_"Why did you renew your contract with ESteem? You said you weren't going to, but I saw on the news today that you apparently re-signed," Taeyong retorts evenly. He yanks a fine black dress shirt from a hanger and marches over to his ex-husband's tense form._

_He holds out the shirt for its rightful owner to take, but the brown-haired beauty is set on stubbornly denying Taeyong's existence in that moment._

_Taeyong sighs tiredly as he looks upon the other man's sulky figure. "I wasn't trying to be nasty. Won't you look at me, **Yuta**?"_

_**(He starts to strip the younger with slow, careful movements, and as Yuta dips his head back and shudders submissively, the same frightening urges cross his mind...)** _

 

 

_Oh, Yuta..._

The soothing sound of Nell's "Time Walking On Memory" wakes Taeyong from his lonely, fitful nap. The bleary-eyed businessman hisses softly when he feels his back crack upon sitting up. He runs a hand through his hair and checks his phone; it's 6:14PM, according to the glowing screen, and since his outing isn't until 7:00, he finds himself feeling pissed off.

Without bothering to shut off his alarm, Taeyong drags himself out of bed and stomps to the bathroom. He feels like breaking the mirror when he sees his undignified reflection. His dark circles are prominent, his hair and skin are damp with a light sweat, and an aching erection is straining against the confines of his also dampened sleep shorts.

He feels like an awkward teenager again, and it's _ridiculous_. He shouldn't be dreaming of his ex-husband, especially not like some _pining, horny bastard_. 

Taeyong used to tell himself that it was okay to occasionally reflect on and indulge in the more pleasant memories from time to time in his dreams. He feels so _alone_ at night without his ex-husband beside him in their marital bed, after all. He's still not used to the emptiness in their home and his heart even after all this time apart.

Every dream he has is wonderfully _vivid_ ー there's no doubt about thatー but he always ends up waking up severely _frustrated_ , because these dreams always take a more _heated_ turn. Be it their first time, their last time, or some romantic romp in between, Taeyong recalls at least a handful of lovemaking incidents between the meaningful mental snapshots, and the building feelings of _desire_ threaten to ruin his entire existence, if the dreams haven't already.

The damn things have been tantalizing him every night since the day Yuta moved out to wherever the hell he disappeared to.

The Korean man feels shameful about his thoughts. It's _extremely inappropriate_ to be thinking of someone as beautiful, intelligent, and kindhearted as Yuta in such a way. _He should be cherishing his memories of the younger and moving forward, not using them as an escape from reality and stagnating._

 _Yuta isn't his_ , and he _really_ has no business obsessing over that exquisite person anymore.

Taeyong can't help himself, though. He's _weak_ and _pathetic_ and _selfish_. And he violently jerks off in the shower more times than he'd like to admit with the image of Yuta in the throes of ecstasy in mind.

Through gritted teeth, Taeyong groans his ex-husband's name as he orgasms into his hand for the nth time. Then he sags against the tiled wall and lets the tears run free to mix with the steaming spray of the shower. _"It's just lust. Love is over..."_ he whispers to himself repeatedly.

 

 

Taeyong stumbles into the barbecue restaurant at seven o'clock on the dot. He figures that his friends must be waiting for him at the usual table, and he makes his way over with the friendliest expression he can muster.

"Hey, Taeyong-hyung! Long time no see!" Ten calls out cheerfully with a wave as soon as he spots the elder. His loud greeting catches the attention of their other friends, and soon everyone is enthusiastically greeting the Korean businessman and scooting over to make room for him.

"It's been a while, guys. It's rare for all of us to meet up at the same time because of work these days. Have you all been well?" Taeyong takes a seat at the end of the table and folds his hands politely.

"We already ordered, Taeyong-ah, so you can just sit back and relax. We got the usual samgyeopsal and soju," Seulgi informs him with a cute grin, and he nods to communicate his satisfaction.

"I, for one, have been _stellar_ , but how has our favorite workaholic been?" Johnny booms in his characteristically happy voice.

"I'm alive, but barely, I guess," Taeyong responds with a shrug before taking a sip from his glass of ice water.

His eyes discreetly dart over the rim of the glass to survey his surroundings. As expected, everyone is here with their significant otherー Johnny with Ten, Kun with Sicheng, Jongin with Krystal, and Seulgi with Irene. Even with some upbeat K-Pop song playing in the background and amicable chatter all around, it's hard to ignore the fact that he's the _only_ person without a partner at the table. 

It wasn't always like this, after all.

Thankfully, no one brings up the topic of Taeyong's absent partner or makes him feel excluded, and the night goes on to be just _swell_. With good food and good company, the Korean businessman's night off feels rather well spent.

He's fine with how things are now, _really_ , and he hopes that Yuta is having a good night wherever he is. 

Still, Taeyong can't fully focus during Jongin's story about some dance club incident. Maybe it's the soju's fault, but he finds himself unconsciously thinking about what it'd be like to _dance_ with his ex-husband between the sheets, if only once more.

He knows for certain that he won't be able to sleep well again tonight, not when the thought of fucking the Japanese man and filling this damn _void_ in his soul is constantly looming in his mind, ready to steal his breath away and toy with his heart at any given moment.


	2. Why (Yuta)

Yuta is reminded of young love and his own past as he watches a couple comfort each other amid the backstage chaos.

There are stressed-out hairstylists, designers, and makeup artists going around frantically in search of any imperfections they might've missed. Managers and mentors alike are doing their best to reassure the anxious models in their care; it sounds more like they're yelling at them out of frustration, though, as they struggle to be heard over the thumping bass of the background music, the gratuitous spraying of products, various side conversations, and the anxiety-inducing ticking of the clock.

Soon it'll be time for ESteem's newest lineup of models to take their first runway in Seoul, but two tall, foreign teens hanging out in the corner surprisingly look anything but worried. They're just softly conversing in what sounds like Thai as they innocently hold each other's hands and exchange shy but warm smiles.

The girl looks sexy and stunning in her leather dress, which perfectly matches the striking auburn color of her long hair, and thigh-high boots. The boy, on the other hand, looks soft and charming in his flowy white dress shirtー its sleeves are long enough to hide his hands, emphasizing his youthfulnessー and denim capris. They both give off such different vibes, yet they complement each other so well.

In that moment, they're not _Lisa_ and _Lucas_ , but _Pranpriya_ and _Xuxi_.

Yuta finds himself feeling disappointed and a tad bit nostalgic when the models are eventually pulled away in opposite directions by disgruntled staff members. _"Fighting!"_ he calls after them supportively. He waves when the two young models quickly glance over their shoulders to regard him with nervous but thankful looks before disappearing from view.

 

 

_He's standing in a secluded corner with his Korean lover, about five seconds away from hyperventilating due to sheer **sensory overload**. His baggy outfit is stiflingly hot, his choker feels too tight, and his appendages feel weighed down by all the cold, shiny accessories he has on. Everything threatens to overwhelm himー the artificial smell of cosmetics, the noisy conversations, the reverb of the background music, the ticking of the clockー and he wonders if he really has a place here._

_Thin, strong hands begin to massage his arms comfortingly, and the Japanese model gasps a little when they eventually stop and move to cup his face tenderly. "You shouldn't be touching my face," Yuta warns the elder. "The makeup artists won't be happy with either of us if my makeup gets smudged."_

_"You look **amazing** , Yuta," the bundled-up man remarks in a sincere, loving voice as he leans in intimately. "I can't wait to watch you. I know you're going to be phenomenal, so don't worry too much, okay? I love you." _

_Then Taeyong pulls down his face mask, tangles his fingers in Yuta's hair, and presses their lips together meaningfully. The young couple draw out their kiss for as long as they can before unhappy staff members arrive to rain on their parade._

 

 

_I love you..._

When was the last time he heard those words directed towards him?

Yuta awakens and jerks up into a sitting position as the sensual melody of TVXQ's "Mirotic" echoes in his spacious room. Stifling a yawn, the Japanese man sluggishly grabs his phone and squints to read the time. It's 4:09AM, yet there's a text waiting for him. He grimaces when he realizes it's from one of his old _friends_ in Seoul but opens it regardless.

 

**To: Healing Smile~8D**

**From: Baechu-noona✿**

**[04:09 AM] I know this is sudden, and I'm not sure if this will even reach you... you haven't been responding to anyone's messages, after all. Look, Yuta... of course we're still shocked and curious about what happened... but we're your friends, too, and we're fine giving you time and space, but please don't push us away entirely. You just disappeared without a word...**

__

**I'm guessing you're not in Seoul anymore, but wherever you are, Yuta, I hope you're doing well. Samgyeopsal and soju with the gang just isn't the same without you. If you ever want to meet, don't hesitate to reach out to us, okay? Taeyong doesn't have to know...**

__

 

__

The text makes Yuta feel guilty, but he already knows he won't respond to it. He _can't_. He knows it's wrong to shut everyone out, but he wants to try and forget about everything and everyone in Seoul right now, if only for a little bit. _The wounds are just too fresh._

__

Still, he checks the attached image against his better judgment, and it makes his heart _ache_ with longing.

__

A bunch of smiling, familiar people are gathered around the tableー Johnny, Kun, Winwin, Irene, Seulgi, Krystal, and Jongin. There's a man with many piercings Yuta doesn't recognize sitting across from Johnny; perhaps he's some new friend or lover. It's the person at the far end of the table who catches his attention the most, though.

__

His ex-husband looks unfairly stunning and pristineー that's nothing newー though his face looks a bit flushed from soju. His smile seems faint compared to the others', but maybe Yuta's sleepy mind is playing tricks on him. However, he knows that the unoccupied seat across from the Korean businessman is _very much real_.

__

That's supposed to be _his_ seat. In another world, maybe Yuta could've been out having fun with them, too. Heart heavy with emotion, the Japanese man tosses his phone away and tries to distract himself with other thoughts.

__

He has grocery shopping to do. The supermarket near his apartment doesn't open until around 6:00AM or so, however, so he decides to just laze around in bed for a while.

__

He has time. _Way too much time, actually_. Mentoring models and doing charity work keeps him decently busy these days, but it's not the same level of busyness as when he was an in-demand model himself. 

__

Yuta _loathes_ the extra free time with a passion. He doesn't really have anything special to do or anyone worthwhile to spend time with; he's still relatively new to Busan and has yet to explore its more exciting parts or get acquainted with anyone besides his elderly neighbors and coworkers, seeing as he's also lazy and kind of shy to a fault. To make matters worse, Yuta also gets quite lonely easily, which leads to him thinking too much.

__

Especially about a certain Lee Taeyong.

__

The Japanese man releases a shuddering breath and turns so that he's lying on his front. He rests his chin on his folded arms and glares into dark nothingness as tantalizing memories of his ex-husband trickle into mind.

__

Taeyong's always on his mind in one way or another. He unconsciously finds himself ordering his coffee the way Taeyong likes it whenever he goes to a cafe, or watching shows on TV that he knows the elder would like, or wondering how nice the Korean man would look in the suits being advertised in the latest fashion magazines.

__

Much to his eternal shame, he also finds himself thinking of his ex-husband in _less appropriate_ ways, as well. He thinks of warm lips against his, of long fingers tangling in his hair, of strong hands pinning him and parting his legs for _that_ ー he thinks of _mind-blowing pleasure_ , and then he's _sweating, craving for it, hot and bothered and an utter mess_.

__

Before he knows it, Yuta is blindly grabbing lotion from his bedside table with one hand and roughly pulling his pajama pants down with the other.

__

He soon trembles as he presses three slicked fingers against the heated skin of his tight entrance. He rubs himself slowly down there, breath quickening and blush intensifying as he feels the cold cream gradually warm up against the intimate area. " _Relax_. Just _relax_ , and it'll be over before I know it," he whispers to himself through gritted teeth before ramming all three fingers in at once.

__

As expected, _it hurts like a fucking bitch_ ; he knows he's going about it incorrectly, but Yuta doesn't ease up or take time to adjust. With choked cries and pained whimpers, the Japanese man buries his face in a pillow and proceeds to erratically twist and spread his wet fingers within the hot, constricting walls of his ass. The lewd sounds make him uncomfortable, and the pain and awkwardness remind him how _inexperienced_ he is at being alone; these sensations remind him of how _wretched_ he is, too, how _laughably pathetic_ and _needy_ he is for yearning for his one and only old flame.

__

Taeyong would've been soft with him, would've prepped him with heartbreaking gentleness and soothed him with meaningful rubs, loving kisses, and sweet nothings.

__

But Taeyong isn't here for him, not anymore.

__

The intoxicating desire coursing through his veins burns more with every passing second, so Yuta whines urgently and forces his cramping fingers even deeper out of frustration. He just wants whatever sick deed he's curently doing to be done and over with. He doesn't dare touch his stiff member to make the experience go by faster or more comfortably, thoughー Taeyong had _never_ liked that, always wanting Yuta to lose himself solely from the feeling of _him being inside_. Things get the slightest bit more bearable once he manages to hit that spot deep inside him, thankfully.

__

The Japanese man cries out his ex-husband's name violently when he eventually feels his long-awaited orgasm tear through him. _"Why...?!"_ he sobs brokenly into a pillow as his body twitches from the aftershocks. He pulls his sticky fingers out and lies there in his own mess with no one to hold him for what feels like forever until he succumbs to a fitful slumber once more.

__

Before he blacks out, Yuta briefly wonders if Taeyong ever thinks about him like _this_ , too.

__

**Author's Note:**

> The style of this decently short two-shot is a bit different compared to my usual stuff, but I think it's kind of fitting? I've decided to include more characters in this installment to give readers a better understanding of YuTae's lives outside of each other, as well. After I finish this trainwreck, I'll probably go back and fine tune all the other ones currently posted.  
> WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TELL ME THERE WERE TYPOS AND STUFF?! /screams/  
> I think It's Not Fine (Really Really) and Blindsided (Beautiful in Red, Black, and Blue) are fine atm, but I'm wondering if I should add to With(out) You (Heartbreak Hotel) since it's a bit short compared to the newer stories...


End file.
